Reflections
by FUDDYDUDDY
Summary: Completed. Steve copes with the aftermath of Vietnam: his injury, the loss of his friends, and his return home
1. Nightmares

This story deals with Steve's return home after serving in Viet Nam. I have nothing but the utmost respect for those who served their country in that war and the response of civilians in this story are based on things that actually happened not my opinion. I do not remember this war, as I was only a toddler when we pulled the last of our troops out of that country. Steve's story is historical fiction. Some of the things may have happened but since Steve is a fictional person these event did not actually happen to him. There will probably be some very graphic parts in this story. If any of this bothers or offends you, please leave now. If you do read, please respond. *Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Outsiders characters they belong to SE Hinton. *  
  
**There is screaming echoing through the air: screams of fear, screams of pain, screams of despair, screams of anguish. The air is thick with the smell of death and blood. All around me are pieces of people, people screaming for help. I try to move, to help; but I can't move. "Why can't I move?" I think to myself in panic. I look down and now my screams are echoing through the air.**  
  
"Steve, wake up! Come on man wake up! Steve!" My best friend Soda was shaking me by the shoulders. "Please Steve! Wake up!" I could hear the panic in his voice but I was still caught in the terror of my nightmare.  
  
"What's wrong?" I heard Soda's older brother Darry ask.  
  
"It's another one of those nightmares. I wish he would talk to someone about whatever he dreams about because they are getting worse."  
  
Darry placed his hands on either side of my face, "Steve, can you hear me?" he asked.  
  
My eyes were open and slowly I began to focus. "Darry?" I whispered. "Is that you?"  
  
"It's me Steve. Soda's here and so's Two-Bit and Pony. We're all here."  
  
I felt my breathing return to normal and my heart beat slow down as I realized that I was safe at the Curtis' house.  
  
"Steve, you have to talk about it, Buddy."  
  
"No," I said firmly. "I am not going to talk about it." I started shaking at the thought.  
  
"Easy, Steve," said Darry softly. I think he knew how close I was to blowing up. "Everything is going to be ok. We'll help you get through this."  
  
That was almost funny. "How?" I asked. "You weren't there. You have no idea what it was like, so how in the Hell do you think you are going to be able to help me through anything!" I was yelling and pounding my fist on the back of the couch. Everyone stepped back. They had all been on the receiving end of one of my tirades. I was so mad I didn't even notice. "You think if I tell you everything that will make everything better? Are you fucking crazy? If you weren't there, you will never be able to understand!"  
  
"Steve," said Soda softly, "None of us knows what it was like for you in Viet Nam. You're right we weren't there. That doesn't me we can't listen. Talk to us please."  
  
"What do you want to talk about, Soda? You want to talk about what it was like to see your buddy step on a trip wire? You want to know what it's like to watch an eighteen year old kid bleed to death in your arms? Maybe you want to talk about what it's like to be spit on or cussed at for following orders and doing your job. Or maybe Soda, just maybe, you want to talk about this!" I screamed, throwing the blanket back and revealing the stump of my right leg. "Is that what you want to talk about, Soda? Is it?'  
  
With tears running down his face, my best friend took my hand in his and said, "Yes." 


	2. Drafted

Thank you to those who reviewed chapter one. I hope you enjoy this one as well. As always, SE Hinton owns the Outsiders. Remember that this is set during the Vietnam War. There will eventually be some graphic detail and language that you might find offensive. If that bothers you please do not read this story.  
  
I put my head in my hands and started sobbing. I felt Soda put his arm around me and I struggled against him for a minute before collapsing against him and bawling. I don't know how long I cried against his shoulder and I know I was scaring everybody but once I started I couldn't stop. I could hear Soda talking quietly to me; I couldn't hear what he was saying but the words weren't important anyway. Finally my sobs ended and I looked each of my friends in the eye. "Don't hate me for telling you this. Don't hate me for what I've done. I was following orders. I just did my job, please don't hate me for that," I pleaded. God, I couldn't take it if my friends hated me.  
  
Darry knelt in front of me and said, "We could never hate you, Steve. Nothing you tell us will ever change that."  
  
Oh, God, how I needed to believe that! I needed my friends to be there for me and, I suddenly realized, I needed to tell them the Hell I had been through. I took a deep breath and said, "Do you guys remember when I got my draft notice?"  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
I was sitting on my front porch staring at a piece of paper and didn't notice that anyone was there until Soda said, "Steve?"  
  
Without looking up I handed the paper to him. He took it and slowly read the official document. "Steve, this is a."  
  
"I know what the fuck it is Soda. I've read the goddamn thing fifty times already," I snapped. He kicked at a rock on the ground and didn't say anything. I tried to calm down but I was scared and, as usual, I came across mad. "Why me, damn it!" I shouted. Soda didn't answer but then again I didn't expect him to. I knew there was no answer. "Let's get out of here," I said as I got to my feet.  
  
As we started walking Soda asked, "When are you going to tell everybody?"  
  
"I might as well do it now and get it over with," I said with a sigh. "Evie's gonna take it hard."  
  
"Probably," agreed Soda, "but you got to tell her."  
  
"Not tonight. I can't handle it tonight." We were at the lot then and Darry, Pony and Two-Bit were there, tossing the football around.  
  
"What's wrong?" Darry asked as soon as he saw me.  
  
I couldn't say anything, there was a huge lump in my throat and I knew I would be bawling if I opened my mouth. I finally handed Darry the crumpled letter telling me that I had been drafted into the United States Army.  
  
Darry squeezed my shoulder and said, "What are you going to do, Steve?"  
  
I looked at him like he was stupid, "What the Hell can I do?" I snapped.  
  
"You can run," said Two-Bit seriously. "You could go to Canada or somethin'."  
  
"I ain't never run from nothin' in my life and I ain't startin' now." I didn't tell him that I had seriously considered that when I first read the letter; instead I said, "I'm going to go in and enlist in the Navy on Monday. I'm hopin' that I'll be on a ship somewhere and maybe a little safer than if I'm in the middle of the jungle."  
  
Nobody said anything. I don't think any of us wanted to think about what could happen. I know I sure didn't. Images of the war had been all over TV. You couldn't turn the thing on without seeing the horror that awaited me over there. The only thing that I could hold onto was that most of the people I was seeing in the news seemed to be soldiers and Marines.  
  
Nobody seemed to know what to say, which was kind of weird since Two-Bit always has a smart-ass comment for everything, and we stood around in awkward silence. Suddenly Pony threw the football as hard as he could and ran towards his house.  
  
Everybody kind of jumped, we just weren't used to that kind of outburst from that kid, and Soda took off after him. The rest of us followed slowly. "Steve," said Darry, "I. Well. I. Oh Hell! There are so many things I want to say and I can't get nothing to come out!"  
  
Oh, shit, I thought, Darry's cryin' I ain't seen him cry since that whole thing with Dallas and Johnny last year. He's scared, I realized. A small part of me was pissed about that. I mean, I was the one going over there to get shot at, not him, but mostly I understood that his fear was for me and what it would do to the gang if anything happened to me. Before either of us could say anything else we arrived at the house. Pony had locked himself in his room and wouldn't come out.  
  
"He's afraid something's gonna happen to you, Steve. He keeps mumbling about Dally and Johnny and you. This has him pretty shook up." This kind of surprised me, I mean, me and Pony have never really liked each other, and now he's all shook up because I was being sent to war.  
  
That weekend I did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking. Darry spent a lot of time listening. I thought it was weird that I needed to talk to Darry and not Soda, since Soda was my best friend and all, but Darry was more rational than Soda ever could be; and right then I needed someone with a level head.  
  
Darry and I were sittin' at the kitchen table Sunday evening when I said, "I been thinkin' about this whole thing and I realized somethin'."  
  
"What's that?" Darry asked.  
  
"I want to go. I mean, I'm still scared and all but this is my chance to be something other than just a greaser. It's a chance to see somethin' besides Tulsa. I'm eighteen, Darry; I want more from life than liftin' hubcaps and hotwiring cars. I'm tired of my old man throwin' me out once or twice a week, I'm tired of being nothin'. Besides, at least in the Navy I'll have three meals a day and a place to sleep." I sat quiet for a minute and then said, "The haircut's gonna suck. Did you know their gonna shave my head? That's sure gonna make me look tuff ain't it?" I ran my hand over my dark hair and said, "I hope that's the worse thing that happens to me."  
  
"Don't think about it," said Darry. "You're going to be fine. You'll do your tour and then be home."  
  
"I hope so," I said. "Hey Darry?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm still scared shitless."  
  
"I know, Buddy, I know."  
  
Monday morning I walked into the Navy recruiting office and was greeted by a large man in uniform. "Can I help you, son?" he asked.  
  
"I want to enlist," I told him. We sat at his desk and filled out what seemed like hundreds of forms. I thought I would scream if I heard "full name, social security number and date of birth" one more time. When we were finished I was told I needed to go to Armed Forces Examining and Entrance Station (AFEES) for a physical. Oh my God! You would never believe the poking and prodding that they put you through. They looked in my ears, up my nose and down my throat and every other place you can imagine. I had my eyes checked, my flexibility and mobility tested, and blood drawn. When they were through with all that I was told to go home and my recruiter would call me in about two weeks.  
  
I thought about a lot of things while I waited for the call. I thought about boot camp and "A" school, I wondered what unit I would be assigned to, I hoped I would make friends or at least not make any enemies. I knew I would miss the friends I was leaving behind. There were two people I needed to talk to before I left: Darry and Evie. Deciding to do the easy one first I knocked on Darry's bedroom door.  
  
"Yeah," he called.  
  
"It's me," I said as Darry opened the door. "You got a minute?"  
  
"Yeah, come on in."  
  
I walked in and flopped on his bed. "I need to tell you something," I said. "I listed you as my next of kin."  
  
"You what?"  
  
"In all the forms I had to fill out, I listed you as next of kin. If anything happens to me, you'll be notified." I handed him some papers. "Here."  
  
"What's this?" he asked as he took the envelope from me.  
  
"My will. It leaves everything I have; which right now is a whole lot of nothing, to you. You're also the beneficiary of my life insurance policy."  
  
"Steve,"  
  
"No, listen to me. I thought about it and this is what I want. If something happens and I don't come home, I want you to use the money from my life insurance and any other benefits to help put Pony through college." Darry looked like he wanted to argue but I said, "It's what I want. Well, what I want is to come home, but if I don't, than this is what I want."  
  
Darry wrapped his arms around me and said, "Just come home. That's what I want."  
  
I couldn't answer. I just hugged him back and cried.  
  
The next day I went to Evie's house and told her about the draft notice and my enlistment in the Navy. She did not take it well.  
  
"You can't go!" she wailed."  
  
"Baby, I don't have a choice. Besides, I want to go."  
  
"You're crazy," she said. "You're gonna get yourself killed."  
  
I pulled her into my arms, "No I'm not, baby," I said as I rubbed her back.  
  
She began sobbing as she said, "I'm gonna miss you."  
  
"I'm gonna miss you too," I said. "I jus have to do this. Try to understand. Besides, right now the only place I'm going is boot camp and "A" school. I won't even leave the states for a while. Try not to worry until there's something to worry about ok?"  
  
She nodded against my chest, "I'll try."  
  
"That's my girl," I said. "Will you write to me while I'm gone?"  
  
"Of course," she answered. "Will you write back?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I love you, Steve."  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
"Come home to me."  
  
"I will," I promised.  
  
I hoped like Hell I wasn't lying.  
  
A few days later the recruiter called and told me to come in to his office. Once there, we talked about what I wanted to do in the Navy. I told him I was a good mechanic and really liked working on cars. Before I knew it, I had become a Construction Mechanic Constructionman Recruit (CMCR), was sworn in, and was ordered to report to RTC San Diego and then to "A" school in at Port Hueneme.  
  
I was sitting on the couch at the Curtis' house telling the gang about what had happened and they had a lot of questions.  
  
"What's RTC?" asked Pony.  
  
"Recruit Training Center," I answered.  
  
"What's "A" school?" asked Two-Bit.  
  
"That's where their gonna teach me to work on the equipment."  
  
"Where is Port Hueneme?" asked Soda.  
  
"It's in California somewhere." I stared and my shoes and swallowed hard. "I gotta tell you guys somethin'. This rating is gonna put me in the jungle. I probably won't be on a ship. I'm gonna end up attached to a Marine unit."  
  
"Steve, no," gasped Pony.  
  
Soda put an arm around him as I said, "Ponyboy, I'm gonna be ok. Them Marines are trained real good and I'm gonna be trained before I go. I'll be careful. I'm going to do my job but I'm not gonna be careless or stupid either. That's the best that I can do." I don't think it made him feel much better but at least I tried.  
  
"When do you report?" asked Darry.  
  
"February 3," I said.  
  
"That's in two weeks," said Soda/  
  
"Yeah, I know. Will you guys drive me to the airport?"  
  
"Of course we will," said Darry.  
  
"Will you do something else for me?"  
  
"What's that?" asked Two-Bit.  
  
"Write." I was relieved when everybody said they would.  
  
The two weeks flew by and suddenly it was time to leave. I grabbed my bag and headed out to meet the gang. As I walked past the lot Two-Bit hollered at me to wait up.  
  
"What's in the bag?" he asked as he caught up.  
  
"Underwear and a razor if you must know," I snapped. There were a few other things but not much.  
  
"Good to know you plan on changing them while your gone," Two-Bit said with a laugh.  
  
I took a swing at his head. "Can't you be serious?"  
  
"Nope. I tried it once, it ain't any fun."  
  
We were standing in front of the house by then and Soda came walking out. I threw my bag in the back of the truck while everyone just kind of stood around staring at each other. I couldn't believe how awkward we had all become. Finally, Darry and Pony came out of the house.  
  
"Everybody get in the truck if you're going," said Darry. Sometimes it bugs the Hell out of me that he is so take charge but today I was glad he was such a s a bossy butt.  
  
We made the drive to the airport in silence. I don't know about everybody else but I just couldn't think of a damn thing to say. We all walked into the airport and I checked in and got directions to the gate. We all trooped down there and then tried to say good-bye. After several false starts, Darry just grabbed my hand in a hard shake and pulled me into a half hug, "Be careful, Steve. Don't let your temper get you into trouble."  
  
"I won't. Well, I'll try," I said.  
  
"Send me a picture of your bald head."  
  
"When Hell freezes over, Two-Bit," I said with a laugh.  
  
"Seriously, Steve, Don't go getting you r ass in trouble. I hear the brig sucks." We shook hands and then he turned away. I think he was crying but I'm not sure. I know I sure wanted to.  
  
"Steve?'  
  
I looked at Pony; his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Damn it," I thought, "I always forget how young he is." I squeezed his shoulder, "It's ok, Pony. Everything is gonna be fine. Right now nothing bad is going to happen. I don't imagine that boot camp will be fun but nobody's gonna shoot me or throw grenades or any thing like that. Relax. I'll send you a letter and tell you when to worry. Ok?" He nodded and turned away. I saw Darry wrap an arm around him just before Soda threw himself at me.  
  
"I hate this. We ain't been apart since first grade. I 'm not sure I know how to get through a day without you."  
  
"One day at a time, Soda. The same way I'm going to get through." I was so close to crying and I was glad that they called my flight number to start boarding. I pulled away from Soda's hug and said, "I gotta go, guys. I'll write as soon as I can." Everybody was waving as I boarded the plane. "I should have told them."  
  
~END FLASHBACK~  
  
"Should have told us what?" asked Soda.  
  
"That I love you." 


	3. Boot Camp and A School

SE Hinton owns the Outsiders. Anyone you don't recognize belongs to me. Some of these events actually happened to my husband when he was at RTC San Diego in 1978. (Yes, he's old!!) Please read and review. Most importantly, ENJOY!!  
  
CHAPTER 3  
  
Everyone was staring at me. "Aw, ain't that sweet?" said Two-Bit with a grin, lightening the moment.  
  
"Shut the Hell up," I said as I threw a pillow at him. "I didn't know if I was ever gonna see you guys again so get off my back you asshole."  
  
Two-Bit opened his mouth to make another smart-ass remark but I told him, "If you want me to keep talkin' about it you better just sit down and shut your trap." He sat down and I said, "I got on the plane and found my seat, not really paying attention to anyone else, I barely noticed the young kid in the seat next to me.  
  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
It was a long flight and I had too much time to think. I wasn't really scared; I knew I could handle boot camp and "A" school, but I didn't know what to expect and that was bothering me. I don't know how long I sat, just staring at the back of the head in front of me. I almost jumped out of my skin when a voice next to me said, "Where you headed?"  
  
"San Diego. Boot camp."  
  
"Really? Me too. What's your name?"  
  
"Steve Randle, what's yours?"  
  
"James Robinson, but everybody calls me Jimmy," he said with a smile.  
  
"Nice to meet you Jimmy," I said. He don't look any older than Ponyboy, I thought to myself. "How'd you end up here?" I asked.  
  
"I got my draft letter the day after my eighteenth birthday. Great birthday present, huh?"  
  
We talked for the rest of the flight. He was a smart kid but he was so young. I don't mean young in years but in life. He was still so wide-eyed and innocent and he reminded me a lot of Pony. I made up my mind right then that I was going to look out for him.  
  
We were talking about our friends and families when all the sudden I realized something. "Oh shit," I groaned.  
  
"What?" asked Jimmy.  
  
"I left my bag in the truck."  
  
"My recruiter told me not to bring anything. He said everything we need will be issued to us when we get there."  
  
"Shit, I hope so," I said. It was going to be a long eight weeks if I didn't get some clean shorts.  
  
As it turned out, Jimmy was also a CMCR and going to Port Hueneme for "A" school. It eased the knot in my gut a little bit to know that.  
  
"Are you scared?"  
  
The question caught me off guard. "I don't think so," I said. "Not of anything that's going to happen in the next four months anyway," I said. "I ain't ever been away from my neighborhood before and I ain't really likin' that and I don't like not knowin' what to expect but I ain't scared."  
  
"I am," said Jimmy softly. "I am terrified of all of this. I don't even know why I'm here. I'm going to be with people I don't know, being yelled at and screamed at all the time. I never wanted to be in the military anyway. I wanted to be a teacher." I pretended not to notice as he wiped his eyes.  
  
"It'll be ok, Jimmy. Just stick with me. Ok?" Normally I hate it when guys cry, I think they're weak or something, but for some reason it didn't bother me when Jimmy cried. Maybe that was because I could tell he was embarrassed and he didn't break down, his eyes just leaked for a minute or two before he got himself together.  
  
He nodded, "Ok."  
  
The plane landed shortly after that and we walked into the crowded airport. Not knowing what else to do, we followed everybody down to baggage claim. That's when we saw him, a very large Marine. He was standing in a small booth with a sign that read Military Liaison. His nameplate identified him as Staff Sergeant Davis. "I think we need to talk to him," said Jimmy.  
  
"All right, let's get this over with," I said. Taking a deep breath I walked over and said, "Excuse me, Sir." Shit, you would have thought I'd insulted the guy!  
  
His face turned red and his eyes started buggin' out of his head as he yelled, "Do not call me sir! Is there anything about this uniform that says officer to you? You will address me as Staff Sergeant. Is that clear, Recruit?"  
  
I ain't ever been accused of being smart but it didn't take a genius to figure out the right answer here. "Yes, Staff Sergeant."  
  
"What's your name, Recruit?" he barked.  
  
"Randle, Steven Andrew," I answered.  
  
He checked his list and marked my name. "What's your shadow's name, Randle?" he asked. Before I could answer, Staff Sergeant Davis looked at Jimmy and said, "What's your name, Shadow?"  
  
"Robinson, James Christopher," he said softly.  
  
"Sound off like you got a pair, Recruit!"  
  
Jimmy swallowed and then said loudly, "Robinson, James Christopher!"  
  
The Staff Sergeant made another mark on his list and said, "Randle, you and your shadow go out and wait with the rest of the recruits. When we get a bus load we'll leave and until then you'll wait."  
  
We turned to go and had started to walk away when SSGT Davis yelled, "Recruit!" I turned and looked at him and he said, "Say goodbye to that hair." I think he almost smiled at the look on my face.  
  
Jimmy and I went outside and stood with a group of boys. There wasn't much talking going on because I think everybody was scared to some degree but I did figure out that some of the guys were going to Marine boot camp and the rest of us were going to Navy boot camp. I don't know how long we stood out there before the bus finally pulled up. We boarded the bus and were told by the driver to sit down and shut up. After everybody was seated, SSGT Davis boarded the bus and looked around; seeing me he called out, "Recruit Randle, you got your shadow with you?"  
  
"Yes Staff Sergeant," I answered as everybody on the bus laughed and Jimmy turned bright red. That name stuck and he would forever be known as Shadow.  
  
The bus started up and we drove off into the night. I don't know how long we were on that bus but it felt like hours as we drove down dark back roads that didn't have a single streetlight. Finally the bus stopped at MCRD and a big, mean looking son of bitch got on and said "All you ladies coming to Marine boot camp pop tall! You have twenty seconds to get the fuck off my bus and fall into a straight line! Haul ass!" All the Marine recruits ran off the bus and formed a straight line. The Marine Drill Instructor turned to the driver and said, "Take all them sissies to the Navy." As we pulled away we could hear the Marine yelling something about being the sorriest pieces of shit he'd ever seen in his life. The next stop would be RTC San Diego. I felt like I did before a rumble: tense, ready to fight, and anxious.  
  
We finally got there and were told to get off the bus and line up. We fell into four lines of about 20 guys each. I ended up between Jimmy and some guy who seemed to know what he was doing. We were marched into a building and told to stand at attention and not to talk. We were taken back in groups of five and our heads were shaved. I think that was the worst thing that had happened to me so far. I hated losing my hair.  
  
When everybody had returned from getting their heads shaved we were marched to another building where we filled out a bunch of paperwork and then off to another building where we were issued uniforms; including boots and shoes, PT gear, speed boots, shoe shine kit, towel, sewing kit, laundry bag, and a ditty bag with soap, shampoo, razor and deodorant. Thankfully, they also issued us underwear. Finally, we were marched to our barracks and told to claim a rack. I claimed an upper rack and Jimmy grabbed the one below me. Before we were allowed to crawl into them we had to properly fold and stow our uniforms, make our racks, and strip down to our shorts. It was three in the morning before we finally collapsed onto our racks.  
  
I awoke to the sound of a metal trashcan being kicked across the room by a dorky little man who was shouting "REVILLE! REVILLE! DROP YOUR COCKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS! GET YOUR UNIFORMS ON! GET YOUR BUNKS MADE UP! BE ON THE LINE IN FIVE MINUTES!"  
  
"Shit," I thought as I rolled out of my rack, "It's only six in the fucking morning! Nothing like letting us sleep." We all scrambled to get into our dungarees and pull on our boondockers while someone kept yelling, "Hurry up, ladies!" We fell in beside our racks with our toes on an imaginary line on the floor.  
  
"Atten-hut! I am HT1 Actahberg. I am your senior Company Commander. You will refer to me as Sir. Is that clear?"  
  
Everybody answered with, "Yeah," or "Uh-huh," or "Yes, Sir."  
  
HT1 Actahberg stopped in mid stride and was instantly in our faces. He stood nose to nose with us as he walked down the line shouting, "The last word of your dirty pie hole will be Sir! Is that understood?"  
  
"Yes Sir!" we shouted.  
  
"Bullshit! I can't hear you, Ladies!"  
  
"Yes, Sir!" we shouted again, louder.  
  
"What are you a bunch of fucking women? Sound off like you got a pair!"  
  
"YES, SIR!"  
  
The next few days all seemed to run together. We spent a lot of time putting our names on things, making our racks correctly, (sheets tucked in with hospital corners and blanket folded at the foot of the bed), learning to fold everything in our lockers from shirts to underwear, and learning how to march. We were also issued rifles and given a sheet of instructions on their care. We also went to medical and met with a corpsman for a bunch of shots. Through it all, our CC was yelling at us. "Move it, move it, move it!" and "Do it and do it now!" were two phrases that I quickly grew sick of.  
  
We learned one very important lesson that weekend: never refer to your weapon as a gun. We were cleaning and assembling our weapons when one of the recruits, I think it was Red but I don't know for sure, referred to it as a gun. HT1 Actahberg overheard him.  
  
"Ladies, assemble those fucking weapons and toe the line!"  
  
"AYE, AYE, SIR!" we shouted as we hauled ass to follow orders. As soon as we were on the line HT1 was in our faces.  
  
"This is a rifle or a weapon girls, not a gun! I'm going to make sure you girls don't ever forget that again."  
  
Two minutes later we were all standing in our skivvies, holding our weapon with one hand and our crotches with the other, shouting, "This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for fighting', this is for fun!" None of us ever called our weapon a gun again.  
  
Over the next four weeks we fell into a routine of classes, PT, and chow. We also began to develop friendships. It's almost impossible for eighty guys to live that close together and not become a tight group. We all had nicknames and we never used each other's real names. We looked forward to mail call and letters were read over and over. Everybody shared news from home. We congratulated Slim when he became a father and we comforted Bubba when he got a Dear John letter. We were a division; when one hurt, we all hurt. I also don't know when or how but we all became aware of the fact that we were proud. Proud of ourselves, proud of our company and proud to be sailors.  
  
We had also reached a point where Navy language was second nature to us. We didn't use the restroom; we went to the head. We didn't see a doctor or even a corpsman; we went to the pecker checker. We didn't drink from a drinking fountain; we used the scuttlebutt. We didn't wear underwear; we wore skivvies. We had shit cans instead of trashcans; we ate in a galley, slept in racks, and loved every minute of it.  
  
The fifth week was service week. We didn't have classes that week but we all had jobs. I ended up in the scullery washing dishes. I washed dishes for all three meals for the entire base. It was not exciting work but it wasn't difficult either. Not much happened to me during that week but Shadow had an experience. He was part of the crew that was assigned to clean our barracks from top to bottom. While they were working one day, a recruit we called Cowboy was dusting the windowsills and watching the people who were on the patio smoking. He would lean out the window and yell, "Attention on Deck!" which would bring everybody on the patio to attention as Cowboy laughed. He did this three or four times and every time the recruits would pop to attention and he would laugh at them. The last time he called attention on deck; our junior CC, MM1 Stone was standing behind him.  
  
"What the Hell are you doing, Recruit!"  
  
Cowboy almost choked on his tongue as he stammered, "I was just.."  
  
"You were just fucking around. Since you seem to have so much time on your hands you can watch for incoming and outgoing planes." MM1 pointed out the window where you could see planes landing and taking off from the airport. The rest of the crew got back to work as Cowboy stood at the window saying, "Beep, beep, I'm a silly radar, beep, beep." Every time a plane took off or landed he would yell, "Sir, aircraft, Sir!" When Shadow told me about it later I thought he was going to roll on the floor he was laughing so hard.  
  
One day in about our sixth week, we marched back to the barracks after lunch and MM1 Stone ordered us to face our racks, strip and fall in. After we did so he turned off the lights and said "See you in an hour, Ladies." That was our introduction to a Navy Nooner. Our CC's had become human after Service Week, and we no longer thought of them as mean sons of bitches. Usually.  
  
About that same time, Bubba and I were on road patrol. We patrolled the area around our barracks, which included the road between RTC and MCRD. There was a Marine company out marching and when they saw us they yelled, "Sailor, Sailor don't be blue; Tinkerbell was a fairy too!"  
  
"I hate them fuckin' Marines." muttered Bubba. "The few, the proud, the dead on the beach."  
  
"Me too, but we better get used to them. You could get assigned to one of their units and I might need one of them to cover my ass if we get sent to Vietnam."  
  
"I know you're right, Slick, but I still hate their fucking guts."  
  
In the seventh week we met with a yeoman and discussed where we wanted to go to school. I already had a school but we discussed my options anyway.  
  
"You do have choices. You could change rates to something that is less likely to get you shipped out if that's what you want."  
  
I thought about it for a minute and remembered Bubba telling me that he thought our job was to defend people who couldn't defend themselves. "I want to go, YN3." That was that, I was going to Port Hueneme and then, if I had any say, I was going to go kick some Viet Cong ass.  
  
Shadow decided to stay with his school also. For a scared kid he turned out to be one tough little bastard. No matter what the CC's did or said, he refused to quit or give up.  
  
Bubba, Shadow and I talked a lot about Vietnam and we all knew that, given the chance, we were going to go. We weren't looking to be heroes but if we didn't go someone else would have to. We saw it as our duty.  
  
Finally, graduation day rolled around. We all got dressed up in our dress blue uniforms and marched out to the parade grounds. When it was over, we marched back to our barracks, slung our sea bags over our backs and marched to the gate to catch a bus to the airport.  
  
Before Shadow and I boarded the bus, I turned to Bubba and said, "If I get shipped out I hope like Hell I don't see you over there, you damn penis machinist."  
  
"Keep your fucking head down, Slick, 'cause I don't want to be digging shrapnel out of your ass if you do end up over there." He turned towards Jimmy, "That goes double for you, Shadow. If you end up over there I don't want to have to listen to your smart ass mouth while I'm tending to you."  
  
"Like I want a redneck hillbilly like you tending to me. I'd probably bleed to death while you figure out how to unroll the bandages you dumb fuck."  
  
We all laughed and boarded our buses.  
  
The next two months were just school. PT and liberty with nothing to do. In the sixth week we received our orders. I was assigned to NMCB 10 and they had recently been deployed to Vietnam. I had two weeks leave before I had to report. Jimmy had also been assigned to NMCB 10. We said good-bye on the last day and headed for home. When we boarded our separate planes, I said, "See you in two weeks, Shipmate."  
  
He grinned and said, "See you, Slick!"  
  
~End Flashback~  
  
I sat on the couch, staring at he ceiling. I could see Shadow, bright eyed and grinning. I felt the tears slip down my face. "I need a break," I said as I grabbed my crutches and hauled my self upright. I knew everyone was staring at me as I swung myself towards the back door and I didn't care.  
  
"Steve?" I heard Soda call to me.  
  
"Let him go, Soda. Give him a few minutes."  
  
"Give me all the time in the world, Darrel," I thought, "that doesn't mean I'll tell you anything." But I knew I would. GLOSSARY:  
  
AYE, AYE: I understand and will obey BOONDOCKERS: Work boots CC: Company Commander CMCR: Construction Mechanic Constructionman Recruit CORPSMAN: Medic GRINDER: A large concrete area used for marching, PT and falling into ranks after chow, class or other activities. HT1: Hull Technician 1st class MCRD: Marine Corps Recruit Depot MM1: Machinist Mate 1st class PT: Physical Training PECKER CHECKER: Corpsman PENIS MACHINIST: Corpsman RACK: Bed. In this case, very uncomfortable bunk beds. SKIVVIES: Underwear SSGT: Staff Sergeant YN3: Yeoman 3rd class 


	4. Vietnam

A/N Sorry this took so long to update. Thank you for your patience. To everyone who has reviewed: Thank you, thank you, thank you! This chapter gets kind of graphic with the war images and there is a racial slur used throughout. Please remember that this is fiction and not my personal opinion. As always: if they didn't appear in the book, I own them; if they did, SE Hinton owns them. Read, enjoy, and review.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Vietnam  
  
I leaned against the porch railing trying to get control of my emotions. I searched my pockets for a cigarette and froze as I heard the leaves rustling in the tree beside me. Just then the back door opened and I turned in horror.  
  
"Hey, man, are you ok?" Pony asked with a look of concern.  
  
Before Nam I never noticed the leaves rustling in the breeze or the stars on a clear night; I never cared about a sunrise or a sunset but now, after being in Hell, every rustling leaf is a sniper moving into position, every shadow is a VC moving closer, every sunrise is just one more day to get through, every sunset is one more day survived.  
  
I tried to explain this to Pony but I don't think he really understood. Sighing I said, "Toss me a smoke."  
  
He flipped me one and said, "You can stop talking about it if you want. Start again tomorrow or something."  
  
I took a drag on my cigarette and said, "No. If I stop now I probably won't start again."  
  
He was quiet for a minute and then said, "Was it all bad over there?"  
  
I thought about it for a minute and then said, "No, not all of it."  
  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
When Shadow and I stepped off the KC130 transport in Saigon the first thing I noticed was the heat and the humidity. The heat stung my face like a bee sting and I was immediately drenched in sweat. The second thing I noticed was the smell. It was horrible. It smelled like the whole country was an open-air toilet that needed cleaning.  
  
We loaded our gear into a deuce and a half and were transported to the transit barracks where we would spend the next two days waiting for our flight to Da Nang. After we settled in we walked down streets filled with bicycles, motorbikes and people walking. We passed barefoot little girls begging, and street corner vendors selling coconuts and turtles and snake meat and eventually found ourselves in Ben Thanh Market. Vendors were selling everything from clothing to candies, fresh meat and fruit to books and household items.  
  
I don't know how long we spent there just poking around looking at everything. Eventually we got hungry and headed back towards the barracks. Seeing a small restaurant we went in. We sat at a table and ordered a beer but the smell inside was almost as bad as it was outside and we left our beers unfinished and walked out. My first impression of Saigon was that it was a lot like downtown Tulsa with an oriental touch and a much worse smell. We went back to the barracks, bought some beer and stayed in our room.  
  
The next day we went to an orientation of the country that all new comers have to go through; all the do's and don'ts of Vietnam, all the places that are off limits and we were warned about the hookers: half of the whores work for the VC and the rest have TB so you only fuck the ones that cough. After orientation we found out that NMCB 10 was stationed at a place called Khe Sanh and we would be flown up there in the morning. We went back to our room and packed and got ready to go; our flight left at 0530 and we needed to be there 1 hour before so we were getting up before the chickens. We were flown to Da Nang air base by plane and then helo'ed into Khe Sanh  
  
Khe Sanh was a Marine Air base out in the middle of the jungle that was used for helo's to transport Marines into and out of combat and to medevac wounded. It was just south of the DMZ and North Vietnam. If I spit real hard I could hit an NVA. I was told the base was started by a C-130 dropping a Daisy cutter bomb, which is the biggest bomb in the U.S. arsenal that is non nuclear, and cleared out about a 40 yard landing zone for the Helo's. It must have been a big surprise to the commies; one day there's nothing but jungle the next day there's a busy base.  
  
Khe Sanh Marine Base was ugly. Our bunkers were sandbag walls and pallet floors in a field of mud. We were always wet, either from sweat or rain and it rained constantly. Even worse than the rain was the rats. They were big and ugly. If you didn't cocoon yourself in your blanket at night you were likely to get bit. It was common for guys to wake up in the middle of the night with three or more rats running across them in their racks. You could hear them in the walls, fighting, screaming, and eating. But as horrible as the base was that's how beautiful the jungle appeared to be. The jungle was about 300 yards away from the base and it surrounded us. From camp it appeared to be just layers of green, full of tigers, elephants, mountains and streams. Later I would come to hate the jungle. The streams were everywhere and we battled leeches and foot rot constantly. All those layers of green were branches and bushes that were so thick they were almost impenetrable and grass so tall and coarse that it slashed and cut your hands as you fought your way through it; even worse than all that, every branch and bush was a potential hiding spots for VC.  
  
When we were on patrol we would sometimes come upon small villages. The houses were small, grass huts with woven roofs. I had always thought that I didn't have much at home in Tulsa but Shit compared to these people I had it all.  
  
Some of the locals worked on base doing laundry or helping in he mess tent and the kids would fill sand bags and catch the rats. Those kids were the reason we couldn't poison the rats. They always packed off the ones they caught and eventually ate them. I guess when you're starving you'll eat almost anything. I felt bad for those kids. They were just like the kids back in Tulsa, doing what they had to in order to survive. Sometimes we gave them little things, maybe a candy bar or some crackers but never, ever did we give them peanut butter. Some of the guys who had been in country for a while told us that Charlie makes a beautiful booby trap out of it. They also told us that if you mix it with insect repellent it will burn for 10 minutes and you can heat a bunch of meals on it in that time. That came in handy out on patrol.  
  
The water tasted horrible and we were always sending letters home asking for kool aid or anything else to mix in the water to make it taste better. Nothing helped much.  
  
~END FLASHBACK~  
  
"Why'd you stop, Steve?"  
  
"I don't know if I'm making you see it. Are you at least getting an idea of what it looked like over there?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
I pushed myself away from the railing and said, "I'm going inside." I swung myself through the door and found Darry, Soda, and Two-Bit sitting at the kitchen table.  
  
"You hungry?" Darry asked me.  
  
"No, I could use a beer though," I said as I took one out of Two-Bit's hand. I dropped into a chair and downed the beer. I wasn't much of a drinker but I knew I was going to need a lot of help to finish talking about this.  
  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
When Shadow and I jumped off the helo, the first thing we heard was some one yellin', "Hey the Cherries are here." We went through the usual crap of getting settled in. Most of the guys wanted nothin' to do with us. We were Cherries, Newbies, FNG's (Fucking New Guys); we were a liability, green and inexperienced. The only people that were glad to see us were the ones we were replacing. At that point we had 361 days left to go.  
  
One of the first people we met was a guy that everybody called Road Kill. He seemed to have been there for a while so I watched him to learn want to do. He was the one that told Shadow and me to lace one of our dog tags to our boots and to tape our magazines together so that when one ran out we could flip it over and reload quickly.  
  
We had a corpsman of course only here they just called him Doc. I'm not sure if I ever knew anybody's real name. Wild Bill, Wrong Way, Pip, Bulldog, and, of course, Shadow. In boot camp he got that name because he followed me everywhere in the beginning so it was kind of a joke but out there it took on a tone of respect. Somehow that kid cold walk across the base in full daylight and never be seen. One minute you would be standing there by yourself and the next minute Shadow was standing right next to you. It was down right freaky.  
  
We spent a lot of time repairing our bunkers, filling sand bags and walking the perimeter of the base looking for anything out of the ordinary. The worst part was that we knew Charlie was out there, he shot at us from time to time, but we never saw him. There were so many places to hide in the jungle and the VC had tunnels dug under ground that went on for miles. It was a nerve-racking time but most of us handled it ok. We tended to look out for each other and keep one another from falling apart.  
  
We went out often to look for Charlie. Our job was to protect Khe Sanh and, according to the armchair leaders of this hellish disaster they call a war, that included recon patrols. One day in September our division was out on a recon patrol when we came upon a small village. There were some small huts and maybe five or six old people just watching us. "Something doesn't feel right," I thought. Everything was quiet; no monkeys chattered in the trees, no birds squawked overhead, it was just to quiet. Suddenly somebody started firing at us from behind one of the huts. We scrambled for cover and returned fire. It was over almost before it began. We had walked into a VC ambush and came out untouched. The old people we saw when we entered the village began to emerge from the edges of the jungle and return to their village. "Who shot at us?" we wondered. The lieutenant walked cautiously towards the hut where the shooting had come from. "Shit," he said and we looked at him. "There's a baby over here."  
  
It turned out we had killed that baby's parents but he was unharmed. We were relieved that the baby was fine. We had no regrets about killing his mother though. A woman VC will kill you just as fast and just as dead as a man. That baby was too young to do any harm though and we were glad that we hadn't hurt him. The lieutenant radioed for a medevac chopper and we started humping our way through the jungle to the landing zone.  
  
We were trudging past a river when we noticed some VC coming toward us. "Why haven't we got the order to fire?" I wondered as the VC came closer. Suddenly all Hell broke loose. We were surrounded by Charlie and he was coming after us hard. We hit the ground and began to return fire. Wrong Way and Pip were using the machine guns while the rest of us threw grenades and used our M-16's. All around us we heard calls of "Medic" and "Doc!" The battle seemed to go on for hours but eventually it ended and we began to gather the wounded so we could get them to the landing zone. I had just finished wrapping a field dressing around Bulldog's thigh and thrown him over my shoulder when suddenly an ear splitting shriek split through the air. I turned and saw Wrong Way holding the baby. "DOC!" he screamed. "OH GOD DOC! GET OVER HERE!" Doc was by his side in seconds. He gently took the small, lifeless body out of Wrong Way's hands. That poor baby had been hit by shrapnel and never had a chance. There was not one dry eye among us as we buried the tiny body there in the jungle.  
  
We lost three good Sea Bees in that ambush and several more were wounded. Of my buddies, only Bulldog was wounded and it was not a life threatening injury. Later that evening Shadow and I sat in our bunker carefully avoiding any mention of what had happened that day. Instead we listened to the rats fighting in the walls and talked about home. I told him about football games in the lot, the DX, my best friends, and Johnny and Dally. He told me about his parents, his brother and sisters, and how he wanted to be a teacher so that he could help kids. We talked a lot about nothing in particular and everything in general. Eventually the subject turned to girls. "Slick, you got a girl back home?" Shadow asked.  
  
I smiled, "Yeah, her name's Evie."  
  
"She pretty?"  
  
"Blonde hair, blue eyes, a great set of knockers and a gorgeous ass."  
  
Shadow blushed and stammered, "Uh, um, that was a little more detail than I needed."  
  
I looked at him and suddenly it hit me, "You ain't ever done it have you?"  
  
Shadow stared at his boots and mumbled, "No."  
  
I punched his arm and said, "We'll fix that first chance we get. We'll get us a little R and R and we'll both get laid."  
  
He looked up at me with a serious expression and a twinkle in his eye and said, "Don't forget, only fuck the ones that cough." We both started howling with laughter that soon turned to anguished sobs.  
  
"Oh my God," I sobbed, "Oh my God I don't know if I can take this! Snake, Ace and Cujo are dead, Bulldog is hurt and could have been killed and some poor, defenseless baby that never hurt anybody is dead because of us."  
  
Shadow grabbed my shoulder and said, "Don't you even think that! Those guys are dead and Bulldog is hurt because of this war not because of us. We followed orders, we didn't freeze, we fired our weapons and we took out some of those fucking gooks! That baby died because his parents were VC and fired on us. In a few more years he would have been a threat and you know it. You know that in some of the villages little kids are running into groups of Americans, pulling the pin on a grenade and blowing them all up. We tried to get him the Hell out of here and were attacked by his people. If you want to blame someone for all the shit that went down today, blame Charlie for the bloodshed or that lyin' son of a bitch Johnson for us being here in the first place." He swiped an arm angrily across his eyes and said "I mean it Slick, none of this shit is our fault. All we do is follow orders. It ain't our fault that this fucking war is being run by some desk jockeys so far from the front line that their biggest problem is a paper cut they got while putting themselves in for another goddamn medal. If they were out here where the war is maybe they'd make some decisions that at least appear to be intelligent."  
  
I had to smile at that. "That's our Commander in Chief and senior officers you're talking about, show some respect."  
  
He grinned, "When they do something halfway intelligent, or at least come out here and see what this war is really like, then maybe I will."  
  
"Like they'll ever leave their nice, safe offices," I retorted with a grin as we both started laughing again. It probably wasn't as funny as we thought it was but when you're in the middle of Hell you do what it takes to survive and right then it was laugh or crack up.  
  
Even in a war life must go on. Days passed by and soon became weeks, which eventually became months. We went on Recon patrols, stood guard, filled sand bags, ate lousy food, and waited for mail and supplies.  
  
Between September and January Bulldog returned to us with nothing more than a scar and a strong desire to "Get me some gooks and make them pay for what they done to me," and we lost Wrong Way, Road Kill, and Wild Bill.  
  
We had gone out on Recon and were going through some pretty thick jungle on our way back to base camp when we heard someone yell "BOOBY TRAP!" It was followed by shouts of "GET DOWN!" and "OH SHIT!" Wrong Way had stepped on a trip wire. I saw him fall and heard "thump, swish WHACK!" In the time it took me to process the sounds, Wrong Way's feet dangled several feet off the ground and a bamboo spike protruded from his chest. That was one of Charlie's favorite traps; take a bamboo mat, fill it with bamboo spikes, bend a tree way over and use a vine to tie it to a stake in the ground and then stretch the vine ankle high and secure it. They then tie the mat in to the branches of the tree. When someone trips on the vine the knot comes loose and the tree springs up with enough force to slam the mat into the unsuspecting person below and lift him into the air. It's a gruesome thing for the guys left behind, especially those who have to get the body, but it's usually quick and painless for the victim.  
  
On another Recon patrol Road Kill triggered a bouncing betty. We were humping our way through the jungle when we heard the sound of a muffled spring recoiling, almost a "thoing" sound. Before any of us knew what it was we heard Road Kill say, "Oh, fuck." There was a flash and an explosion and Road Kill was layin' on the ground with both of his legs gone. Me, Wild Bill, and Pip were the first ones to reach him and he kept trying to say something. "Take it easy," soothed Wild Bill but we could see the urgency in his eyes as he struggled to get the words out. "Don't forget me," he whispered. "Don't forget any of us." We all promised that he would not be forgotten and that seemed to bring him peace. He managed one last comment before he died; "I'm going home." I know it sounds awful but in that deep part of yourself where you keep your most private thoughts I think we were all a little envious of Road Kill. He was going home and we were still in Hell.  
  
When Wild Bill died he did it with style. We were walking across the base talking about this officer who went fucking crazy and ordered his men to open fire on this village full of old women and little kids. They wiped out the entire village for no apparent reason. "Are you sure?" I asked.  
  
"That's what I heard," he replied. "One of the new guys that just came in heard it on the way up."  
  
"You heard this from a newbie? You know they don't know shit, Wild Bill. Pip told me that they were out roundin' up VC and the whole village was crawling with them. They had to wipe it out."  
  
"Ah, Hell, Slick. Pip don't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Where the Hell did he hear that?"  
  
"Damned if I know. I'd just rather believe that the whole village was VC then believe that an officer ordered an entire village wiped out."  
  
"This place would drive any body crazy so why can't you believe an officer cracked up? They may think their shit don't stick but they ain't any different than you and me." He paused for a moment and then said, "Hey did you hear about.." The rest was drowned out by the crack of a rifle. I screamed as Wild Bill's brains and blood splattered against my face. Over the sound of gunfire I could hear someone yellin', "Get down Slick! For God's sake, get down!" Shadow came flying out of no where and knocked me to the ground. "Oh shit, the fucking gook got me," he gasped. I grabbed the collar of his flak vest and drug him into a bunker.  
  
"Hold on Shadow, hold on," I said frantically. "Hold on, you're gonna be all right, hold on." I unzipped his flack vest and pressed my hand against his chest, trying to stop the blood pouring from his body."  
  
"I'm dyin' Slick. The bastard got me good."  
  
"You ain't dyin'. Do you hear me? You ain't dyin'!"  
  
"Yeah, I am," he said, his voice getting softer, "write my parents ok? Tell them I love them."  
  
"I will," I promised.  
  
He gave a shaky smile and said, "Damn it, Slick, I never did get laid." He died in my arms moments later. I was covered in blood and bits of brain and none of it mattered. I sat in that bunker with rats fighting in the walls and gunfire exploding around me and bawled like a baby.  
  
~END FLASHBACK~  
  
"I killed him. If I hadn't froze, Shadow would still be alive."  
  
Soda softly touched my shoulder, "No, Steve, that's not true," he said.  
  
I pushed his hand away and yelled, "Don't give me that shit! I killed one of the best friends I had! Don't you understand that Shadow died savin' me? I should be the one who's dead." My voice softened to a whisper, "He should be home, goin' to college, being with his family. I should be the one who's dead not him."  
  
Nobody said anything. What could they say? Nothing was going to change the fact that four of the closest friends I had in Vietnam were dead. Why was I still alive? 


	5. The Battle at Khe Sanh

A/N I am so sorry this took so long to update! My computer crashed again so I was unable to work on this and my husband was mobilized and shipped to the Gulf so I haven't really wanted to write about the horrors of war lately. Thank you to everybody who took the time to read and review the previous chapters and who will hopefully review this one.  
  
DISCLAIMER: If they were in the Outsiders they belong to SE Hinton; if they weren't then they belong to me (especially Pip, who is my real life husband and a real life Sea Bee)  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The Battle at Khe Sanh  
  
My body shook as I tried to block out the images of Wrong Way, Road Kill, Wild Bill and Shadow. I closed my eyes but the images were burned into my brain: Wrong Way dangling above the ground with 18 inch spikes sticking out of his chest, Road Kill with his legs blow off bleeding to death on the jungle floor, Wild Bill's brains splashing against my face, and Shadow bleeding to death in my arms as his blood soaked through my shirt, and as soft as a breeze I heard Road Kill whispering, "Don't forget me. Don't forget any of us."  
  
All around me I could hear gunfire and bombs exploding, I could smell the rain, blood and death. There was a soft shuffle behind me and I swung around quickly and wrapped my arms around my attacker's throat. "I'm going to kill you, you fucking gook bastard!" I screamed as I slowly squeezed the life out of his helpless body. I could hear someone shouting and I knew that I was surrounded. "Get the fuck away from me or I'll kill him." I looked down at the body that was slowly going limp and saw Ponyboy's eyes, round with fear staring up at me. Slowly the jungle faded and the kitchen came into focus and I could hear Darry saying softly, "Let him go Steve. Pony's not the enemy so let him go." He slowly moved closer and touched my wrist. "Let him go, Steve." It was said softly but forcefully and I loosened my grip. Pony slid to the floor and was quickly pulled into Soda's protective embrace. Darry backed away and I buried my face in my hands and began bawling. "I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I didn't mean to hurt him. I thought I was back there. I thought he was one of them. I'm sorry." I couldn't quit bawling and I couldn't quit trying to explain.  
  
Suddenly, Soda's voice rang out sharp and urgent. "Pony, no," he said as his little brother walked cautiously towards me. Ponyboy stopped just out of arms reach and said, "Steve?"  
  
I didn't answer.  
  
"Steve, I can't even begin to imagine the Hell you're going through and I won't insult you by pretending that I do. I think you're really brave to talk about it and I think you're really brave to have been there in the first place."  
  
I looked at him. There was no sign of fear in his face, just caution. There was no anger, hate, revulsion or pity. There was only sadness, concern, and compassion.  
  
Pony slowly stepped closer. "Don't stop talking now, Steve. I know it probably gets worse before it gets better but I also know you're strong enough and brave enough to tell the rest of it." He stepped a little closer. "Aside from my brothers, you are the person I look up to the most." He was close enough to squeeze my shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything you went through, Steve." He knelt down so that he was looking me in the eye, "You said you did things that you weren't proud of but no matter what you did I'm proud to know you and proud to call you my friend."  
  
I grabbed him and pulled him to me in a desperate hug. I tried to speak but I bawled like a baby instead. Pony didn't say anything, he didn't try to get me to stop crying or even try to tell me that things would be OK, he just held me tightly while I cried. Finally, I cried myself out and pulled away from Pony. Before he broke contact he looked at me and said, "Feel better?"  
  
I managed a shaky smile and said, "A little." He gave my shoulder a squeeze and backed away. I noticed everyone trying to look at me without actually looking at me. I hurriedly wiped my eyes and said, "It did get worse. In January all Hell broke loose."  
  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
After Shadow died I spent a lot of time alone. I couldn't handle losing another buddy so I tried to keep away from everybody. Pip had other ideas. He was constantly in my face either bitching about my attitude and how it was fucking up morale or trying to cheer me up. Finally I had enough. "Go away and leave me the fuck alone, Pip!" I screamed at him.  
  
"Fuck you!" he screamed back. "Do you think you're the only one who's all tore up inside because a buddy died? Do you think the rest of us don't feel like shit? You want to know how to get through this?" He shoved an M- 16 into my hands and said, "Get your ass out there and do your fucking job: fill the goddamn sand bags, reinforce the bunkers, stand the fucking watches, and if you see one of them little bastards you shoot him. What you don't do is sit around on your goddamn ass feeling sorry for yourself!"  
  
I glared at him as I propped the M-16 against a tree, "Who the Hell do you think you are?"  
  
He stood so close to me that his spit splattered against my face as he roared, "I'm a Sea Bee with a job to do! If something needs building, I build it; if it needs tearing down, I tear it down; if it needs defending, I defend it, and if it needs killing, I kill it because that's my job! If you ain't man enough to do the job then go play with the pussies in the Army otherwise shut up and do your fucking job!"  
  
I wiped my face and stared at the ground for a second or two and then I took a swing at him. That one swing was all I got; the man out ranked me, outweighed me, and out powered me. I was slammed against a bunker so hard that my teeth rattled.  
  
Pip's hand tightened around my throat as he growled, "That's your free one, you fucking little punk. If you ever swing at me again I'll bury you." His eyes were blazing and his face was red with rage as he slammed my head into the bunker again before stomping off.  
  
When he was about ten feet away from me I let out a yell and started running. Pip turned and I threw myself at him swinging wildly. I managed to land a few good punches before he socked me in the gut. As I lay gasping in the mud, Bulldog ran up shouting, "Pip! Hey Pip!" He skidded to a stop, "What the Hell happened?" he asked.  
  
"Nothin'," said Pip as he wiped blood from his lip. "Anything happen, Randle?" he growled at me.  
  
"Not a damn thing happened, Petty Officer." I'm not stupid, if I had said what really happened I stood a good chance of being court martialed.  
  
Bulldog gave us both a look that said he though we were full of shit but he wasn't going to do a thing about it. "Well, while you two were out here not beating the shit out of each other you missed the scuttlebutt.  
  
"About what?" I asked, getting slowly to my feet.  
  
"The build up of enemy forces. Charlie's gonna try to take over the base."  
  
"What's the official word?" asked Pip.  
  
"The powers that be say it's just a bunch of rumors and that there is no evidence that Charlie is up to anything."  
  
"Which means that Charlie is building up forces and the shit is gonna hit the fan around here," stated Pip matter of factly.  
  
"How can you know that?" I asked. I was so surprised by the possibility that I forgot that I was pissed at him.  
  
"This is my second fucking tour in this hell hole," he hissed at me. "I've learned the rules of surviving and rule number one is that the powers that be are always wrong when they disregard scuttlebutt or underestimate the enemy."  
  
That was good enough for me. I didn't trust the opinion of anyone who tried to run the war without leaving their nice safe little offices anyway. Besides, Pip might be a complete and total prick but he was no idiot.  
  
After that bit of news I pulled my head out of my ass and dug in for the attack that we all seemed to know was coming.  
  
Three days later the North Vietnamese Army attacked the base. One minute it's a typical day: random rounds flying in but nothing serious; the next minute there are explosions, gunfire, and shrapnel flying every where. I grabbed my weapon and rolled into a bunker. All around me my shipmates were returning fire. If those gook bastards thought they were taking our base they were sadly mistaken.  
  
The days that followed were pure Hell. We were pinned in our bunkers with a limited supply of ammo and nothing to eat but c-rations. The walls seemed to close in on us as the bullets rained down on us. I think it was even harder on the Marines on the base than it was us though. Those guys are trained to fight, to attack, and all they could do now was sit in their bunkers and try to keep from getting killed. Unfortunately, we weren't doing to good at that. I don't know how many men I saw killed during that battle.  
  
Early one morning, as screams of pain and anguish hung in the air and mingled with the smell of death, blood and fear, I saw Bulldog go down. As I ran from the bunker I had one thought: I have to get Bulldog to safety. I was less than three yards from him when a burning pain shot through my leg and I crumpled to the ground. As I lay there screaming in agony, I heard a huge explosion and saw a bright flash. "Oh fuck!" I heard someone yell, "they got the ammo shed!" I tried to get up, to crawl, to move, but it was useless. I sprawled there in the mud and blood and knew I was going to die.  
  
The next thing I knew I was waking up in a clean bed and I hurt like Hell. I groaned through clenched teeth and heard someone say, "Damn it Slick, I hoped I would never see you in here."  
  
I knew that voice. "Bubba?" I asked as I slowly opened my eyes.  
  
"Yeah, it's me. I'm going to give you something to make you sleep, just a little prick. There we go."  
  
"Bubba," I said groggily, strugglin to ask him something before the morphine took full effect. "My leg," I mumbled, "Save my leg."  
  
The last thing I saw was the look of sadness and pain on his face as Bubba said softly, "I'm sorry, Buddy," and I slipped into drug induced sleep.  
  
~END FLASHBACK~  
  
"That's all I have to say about that."  
  
Tears rolled down Pony's face, Soda and Two-Bit looked green, and Darry was pale. The silence was thick, the mood was heavy, and nobody spoke. 


	6. Aboard the USS Mercy

A/N OK finally chapter 6 is done. I mention Bob Hope and Jane Fonda in this chapter. I don't own them. I don't own any of the Outsiders either. Everyone else is mine. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed up until now. I hope you all take the time to read and review this chapter as well.  
  
ABOARD THE USS MERCY  
  
I absently rubbed the stump of my right leg and stared at the wall as everybody fidgeted and tried to think of something to say. Two-Bit cleared his throat and tried to change the subject. Unfortunately he picked another touchy subject.  
  
"How's Evie doing? I ain't seen her since you got home."  
  
I looked up sharply and he shrank back from my glare.  
  
"What?" he asked  
  
"The bitch dumped me while I was in the hospital," I growled.  
  
Four faces looked at me in shock and surprise.  
  
"Are you serious?" asked Soda.  
  
"No, I'm lying," I said. "Of course I'm serious you dumb ass."  
  
Soda reddened a little and looked at the floor. I felt bad for snapping at him but damn it, if there was anything I wanted to talk about less than my leg just then it was Evie.  
  
"Oh, what the Hell," I muttered and began to talk.  
  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
I was in and out of consciousness for the next several days and when I did finally wake up I wished that I hadn't.  
  
The first thing I remember hearing was a soft voice calling, "Doctor, he's waking up." I felt soft, cool hands lightly touch my forehead and thought of Evie as I struggled against a wave of loneliness.  
  
I struggled to sit up but was pressed back into the bed by the doc. "Take it easy there, Son. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Like shit, Sir."  
  
"I'd be surprised if you felt any differently," he said. "You're one of the lucky ones though. Most of the guys from Khe Sanh that came through here were a lot worse off than you are."  
  
I swallowed hard and asked the question I knew I had to ask, "How's my leg, Sir?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Son, we had to take it."  
  
I closed my eyes and swore softly and colorfully under my breath. I felt the doctor pat my shoulder awkwardly as he said, "At least you're alive, son" and then he walked away.  
  
"Fucking lot of good it does me," I muttered.  
  
As I lay there growing angrier by the minute, I started yelling, 'Fuckin' son of a bitch! Goddamn Johnson and his stupid fuckin' war! Why the fuck are we here? Fuckin' gooks oughta fight their own goddamn war but no, we gotta come to this shit hole and get shot up because they're to goddamn chicken to do it!" I threw my pillow and kept screamin', "Fuckin' incompetent, worthless, piece of shit doctors! What the fuck do they teach you in school?" I threw the bed pan and screamed, "Why me? Why the Hell did this have to happen to me?"  
  
"Shut the fuck up! Look around dumb ass, there's a lot of guys here a whole lot worse off than you."  
  
I looked at the guy in the bed next to me, "The fuckin' doctors cut off my leg, dickhead," I growled.  
  
"Fuckin' land mine blew mine off, asshole. If you'd bother to look around you'd see guys a hell of a lot worse off then you."  
  
"Why don't you shut the fuck up?" I snarled.  
  
"Why don't you fucking grow up?" he asked. "Why me? Why me?" he whined in a high-pitched voice. "Why the fuck not you?"  
  
My pillow landed in my lap and the bedpan was placed on my bedside table with a thump. "What the fuck?" I said as I looked up and saw Bubba at the foot of the bed.  
  
"I really like you, Slick, but you cause another disturbance like that again and I'll kick your ass," he said. "In case you didn't notice this is a hospital not the battlefield," he looked at the guy in the next bed, "that goes for you too, Edwards. You guys are on the same side so either get along or shut up."  
  
"Damn, you're cranky today, Bubba," said Edwards with a laugh.  
  
Bubba grinned. "Damn right I am. You two are disturbing my nice, quite ward. Now play nice." He sat on the edge of my bed. "Want to talk?"  
  
"Not really. I want to know where I am and what happened because I can't remember much."  
  
"What do you remember?" he asked  
  
"Bulldog. He was hit and I was trying to get to him, then there was this burning in my leg and an explosion. I couldn't move. That's all I remember until I woke up here and the Doc was telling me he had to take my leg." I looked into Bubba's eyes; "Did he come through here? Is he OK?"  
  
"Slick, I'll see what I can find out but if you can't give me anything other than "Bulldog" it's not going to be easy." He looked at the floor and then back at me, "Don't get your hopes up to much. It was a goddamn blood bath up there. I'll see what I can find out but most of the guys that came out of there came out in body bags."  
  
I nodded that I understood but I didn't trust my voice. Hell, I knew what it was like. I'd been there.  
  
"I don't know exactly what happened. What I do know is that your right leg was almost torn off by something. Whatever hit you absolutely mangled that leg. Saving it wasn't an option. When they brought you in here you were damn near dead and keeping you alive was our top priority. I can only tell you that you got the best care possible. If you had been sent to a MASH unit you might not have made it at all."  
  
"Where am I?"  
  
"You're aboard the USS Mercy." He got up and shook my hand. "I gotta go. It's real good to see you I'm just sorry it was under these circumstances."  
  
"Me too. Hey Bubba?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Were you one of the guys that worked on me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good. I'll probably be OK then."  
  
He grinned and said, "Smart ass," as he walked away.  
  
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but visions of Shadow dying in my arms kept me awake.  
  
"Hey."  
  
I turned to look at Edwards, "Yeah?"  
  
"Were you really at Khe Sanh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
'Was it as bad as they say?"  
  
"It was worse."  
  
Neither of us spoke, we were both lost in thoughts too horrible and private to share. The silence was interrupted by a good-looking yeoman bringing the mail. I was surprised when a pile of letters landed on my bed. Picking them up I began to sort through them to see who they were from. Silently I read off the names, Pony, Pony, Pony, Soda, Pony, Keith, "Who the Hell is Keith?" I mumbled as I opened the letter.  
  
Hey Steve,  
  
Bet you didn't know who this was from did ya? Not a lot going on around here. Are you still at Khe Sanh? I heard that's the worst place to be right now. Hope everything is OK. Have you met Bob Hope yet? How about some of them USO girls? Don't do anything with them that I wouldn't.  
  
Take Care Buddy Two-Bit  
  
I wish I could remember he has a real name so he couldn't get me like that, I thought as I continued flipping through the letters. Pony, Pony, "I think he writes at least one a day," I chuckled. Darry, Cherry, Evie. I looked at the last two. Cherry the soc? I thought. Wow. I stared with Pony's letters.  
  
Hi Steve,  
  
How is everything going? I hope you are still OK. There have been a few protest rallies downtown and Soda and Two-Bit got in a fight the other day with some guys who were saying we had no business being in Vietnam and that our guys over there were nothing more than baby killers and rapists. I don't know if they changed their minds but I think Two-Bit and Soda at least shut their mouths for a little while.  
  
The soc's pretty much leave us alone now. I still don't walk alone though. Soda and I went out to the cemetery and cleaned up around Dally and Johnny's graves. I still miss them a lot.  
  
Darry is still working to hard and Soda still flirts with every girl that comes through the DX.  
  
Have you heard from Evie? I haven't seen her around lately. Does your dad ever write? I talked to him the other day when I ran into him. He really is proud of you, Steve. Maybe someday he'll be able to tell you that himself. I hope I'm not the only one who writes to you. I can't even begin to imagine how lonely it must be for you. I'm trying to write everyday so that you will have at least one letter most of the time.  
  
I guess that's all for now.  
  
Stay Safe Ponyboy Curtis  
  
He's a sweet kid, I thought as I read the rest of his letters. Soda and Darry's were about the same as Pony's just little bits of news from home. Saving Evie's letter for last, I opened Cherry's next.  
  
Dear Steve,  
  
I'm sure you were surprised to get a letter from me but when Pony told me you were in Vietnam I had to write. I just wanted you to know that even though I do not agree with this war I support all of you who are over there. I don't know if anyone has told you but it's getting ugly back here in the states and even in Tulsa. Soldiers are being spit on and cursed at when they get home. The things that are being said and done are reprehensible. I just wanted to let you know so that you wouldn't be surprised when you came home.  
  
I know we aren't exactly friends but I can't stand the thought of someone I know being over there in danger. Stay safe and write back if you want.  
  
Cherry Valance  
  
That's pretty tuff, I thought as I put her letter back in the envelope. I held Evie's letter for several minutes before I opened it.  
  
Steve,  
  
This is a very difficult letter to write but I know I have to do it. When you get home, please do not try to see me. As much as I love you, there is no way that I can stay with a man who would kill innocent women and children. I saw Jane Fonda on TV and she says that the American POW's are being treated fairly and that they should be ashamed for killing babies and I really think she's right; I believe that she is telling the public the real truth. The thought of you being part of that is more than I can stand. Good bye, Steve. I really did love you.  
  
Evie  
  
"Fucking bitch."  
  
"Problem there, Shipmate?"  
  
I turned and looked at Edwards. "My girl just dumped me. She called me a baby killer and said she never wanted to see me again." I turned my head away because I knew I was going to start crying and I didn't want anyone to see me.  
  
"Man, that sucks," he said. "Hey, cry if you want. You don't have to be tough in here just don't be weak."  
  
I looked at him.  
  
"It's not weak to cry," Edwards explained. "It's weak to piss and moan about something you have no control over."  
  
As the tears rolled down my cheeks I said, "You know what sucks? I have killed kids, babies, and women. She's right."  
  
"She's wrong. You were following orders. This is a war not a picnic. How many kids have killed soldiers? How many women would just as soon kill you as look at you?"  
  
"But"  
  
"But nothing. I got the same damn letter from my wife only she sent it after she knew about my legs." He raised is voice to a high pitched, girlie voice and said, "I just couldn't stay married to a cripple. Everyone would look at us and stare. I couldn't handle knowing everybody thought you were a freak." His voice came back to normal, "Stupid bitch."  
  
We spent the next hour bitching about everything that was going wrong and trying to figure out who to blame.  
  
"Well it's not my fault," Edwards finally declared.  
  
"It's not my fault either. Hell I was just following orders."  
  
"Part of it is my wife's fault for being a stupid, selfish bitch."  
  
"And part of it is my girlfriend's fault for the same reason."  
  
"Part of it is Jane Fonda's fault for being a Commie loving slut."  
  
"And for being a lying whore," I added.  
  
Suddenly his eyes lit up. "It's Johnson's fault," he said.  
  
"Yeah," I agreed. "If he hadn't gotten us involved in this mess we wouldn't be here."  
  
"And we'd still have our women and our legs. Yep, it's Johnson's fault."  
  
We laughed and when someone suggested a game of poker we both played.  
  
I still felt resentment over the loss of my leg and I was still angry but I wasn't alone. I met guys there who lost their eyes, their arms, their legs; and they were the lucky the ones. There were guys that were nothing but bandages. They didn't move or talk. They couldn't do anything but breathe. Whenever I started feeling to sorry for myself I would try to remember that it could be worse.  
  
~END FLASHBACK~  
  
"That's about it," I said. "Nothing else really happened while I was there." It was a lie but I didn't want to talk about all the nights I spent talking to Bubba about Shadow or how Edwards cried when he talked about his wife and how guys would cry out in pain from a limb that they didn't have. Some things are best kept between those who have been through them and not shared with anybody. Not even best friends. 


	7. Home

HOME  
  
"So, obviously they got you off your ass and using crutches," said Two-Bit with a grin.  
  
"Yeah, then they sent me home. Just handed me a set of dress blues and said you're going home. So, here I am."  
  
"What happened at the airport, Steve" Soda asked. "I was there to pick you up and I know something was going on but you never would tell me what."  
  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
The flight home was uneventful except that I kept thinking about all the guys that weren't ever coming home. I felt a lot of guilt about being alive and coming home but I was glad to be going home too.  
  
When the plane landed I waited for everyone to leave first and then swung myself up the aisle and headed into the airport. As I made my way down to get my sea bag I was aware of people staring at me. I felt really uncomfortable but tried not to think to much of it. I figured I was a one legged man in a dress blue uniform so I didn't exactly blend into the crowd.  
  
Before to long I heard people talking. "Baby killer," they said. "Murderer." I tried to ignore them and keep walking but I fell to the ground when someone knocked my crutches away. People laughed as I lay there trying to get back on my feet. Someone spit on me and someone cursed. I could feel the rage boiling up and struggled to my feet, glaring at the people around me  
  
"Get away from me," I said.  
  
A few people backed away but two guys moved in closer. "You fucking baby killer, you gonna make us?" I stood my ground but they came closer.  
  
"What are you going to do about it, Freak?"  
  
"Is there a problem?" I have never in my life been so glad to see a cop.  
  
The crowd suddenly disappeared as everyone remembered pressing business elsewhere. "You OK, Son?" the cop asked.  
  
"Yes, Sir," I replied even though I was shaking with rage.  
  
"Look, I know you're pissed off and you have every right to be, but don't let them get to you."  
  
I just looked at him. "Hey, Steve!" I turned.  
  
"Soda!" I yelled, trying to keep my balance as he threw his arms around my neck.  
  
"Damn it's good to see you," he said. Looking at the cop he said, "Everything ok?"  
  
"Yeah," I said. Turning to the cop I said, "Thank you."  
  
"No. Thank you," he said and then he turned and faded into the crowd.  
  
"Are you ready?" Soda asked.  
  
"No, I gotta go get my sea bag." We headed down to baggage claim to pick it up.  
  
"What was going on back there?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Steve?"  
  
"I said nothing Soda! Just drop it!"  
  
We walked to the truck in silence and headed for home.  
  
When we got to the Curtis house everyone was there waiting for me. Everyone except Evie. A part of me had hoped that she would be there and tell me that she had been wrong. That she knew I was just following orders and that, no matter what, she still loved me. I should have known better.  
  
I sat on the sofa and drank a beer while listening to everyone around me talk. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. When I felt someone sit next to me I jumped and my eyes flew open.  
  
"Steve?"  
  
"Sorry, you scared me," I explained as I saw the concerned look on Cherry Valance's face.  
  
"Sorry. I didn't mean to."  
  
"I know. I'm kind of jumpy still."  
  
"I just wanted to tell you that I think what Evie did to you sucks and if you ever want to talk, well, I'm a pretty good listener."  
  
I am not proud of what I said next. "Get the fuck away from me. I don't need or want your pity."  
  
"It's not pity Steve Randle! If you can't tell an offer of friendship then you lost more than your leg over there!" Her voice was shaking and there were tears in her eyes but she was furious. Her hair flew behind her as she stormed out of the room.  
  
"What did you say to her?" demanded Pony.  
  
"Butt out Ponyboy."  
  
"No. She's a nice person and you treated her like shit. That's not cool, Steve."  
  
"Get off my case!" I yelled.  
  
Darry was suddenly there with an arm around Pony's shoulder. "Go see if Cherry needs anything," he said.  
  
Pony glared at Darry for a minute and then turned and left the room.  
  
"Everything ok?"  
  
"I wish that everyone would quit asking me that," I snapped. "Just leave me alone," I added as I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. When I opened them again, he was gone.  
  
Over the next several days I snapped at everyone over every little thing. People started avoiding me except for the gang and, surprisingly enough, Cherry.  
  
She came over everyday and talked to me. I usually ignored her but she kept talking anyway. She talked about everything and nothing. The only thing she avoided talking about was my experiences in Vietnam. She would talk about the hairstyles that were popular, the dress she saw that she just had to have, the new shade of lipstick she had just bought. She'd debate whether coke tasted better than pepsi, if dogs were smarter than humans, or if chocolate really made your face break out. The thing that finally made me talk to her was when she wondered if it was ok for men to wear pink.  
  
"Are you crazy?" I asked her.  
  
"No, I'm not crazy I'm clever. I finally got you to talk."  
  
I laughed. "So you did."  
  
After that we began talking and I almost considered her a friend. I just couldn't let her get close. After being burned by Evie, I just didn't trust women. Quite honestly, after the treatment I got when I came home, I didn't really trust anybody.  
  
~END FLASHBACK~  
  
"Then you guys made me start talking about my experiences over there and here we are."  
  
"Damn, I wish I' known what was going on at the airport. I would have kicked some ass," said Soda.  
  
"It's not worth fighting about."  
  
"Yes it is." I turned and saw Cherry standing in the doorway. "You went through Hell. You deserve to be treated with respect."  
  
Maybe it was all the talking about Vietnam, maybe it was being surrounded my friends who knew what I had done and didn't turn away, maybe it was a beautiful woman smiling at me and telling me I deserved respect, or maybe it was nothing more than a desire to get out of the house that made me say, "Let's head over to the Dingo and get a burger or something."  
  
Nobody even batted an eye. We headed for the truck and I looked at Cherry. "Mind if I go with you?"  
  
"Get in," she said as the guys whistled and made catcalls.  
  
I slid into the front seat and Cherry threw my crutches in the back before she slid behind the wheel.  
  
I looked at her and said, "I don't know how this is going to work out but I like you. I want to spend more time with you. I can't promise anything more than I will never intentionally hurt you."  
  
"I know," she said softly.  
  
I kissed her softly and said, "we'd better go before they come back looking for us."  
  
She started the car and as we drove off I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I might be OK.  
  
EPILAUGE  
  
1993 Washington DC  
  
Slowly, oh so slowly, I walk to the great wall ahead of me. The Vietnam Memorial has haunted me for years and I finally had to come. No one notices me as I approach the wall, my prosthetic keeps people from staring and I am grateful the doctors were able to save my knee so that I can walk fairly normal.  
  
I notice the flags and letters that have been left at the base of the wall and slowly make my way to the section bearing the names of all those who died at Khe Sanh. My eyes fill with tears as I read the names that haunt me still: SW1 Benjamin Patterson, BU3 Daniel Johnson, EO2 Jonathan Taylor, CMCR James Robinson. My tears flowed freely down my face as I said their nicknames: Road kill, Wrong Way, Wild Bill, and Shadow.  
  
As my knees buckle from the pain and guilt I lean against the wall, sobbing, as I am overcome with guilt for being alive. One by one the faces of my fallen friends appear in the memorial. They are reaching out to me, trying to offer comfort. I can hear them speaking as clearly as if they are standing beside me.  
  
"It's ok that you lived, Slick. Don't feel guilty." I could see Wild Bill's reckless grin as he spoke.  
  
"I'd do it again is a heartbeat, Slick. I only regret that I had but one life to give." The pride echoed in Wrong Way's voice.  
  
"Don't forget us, Slick. Don't forget any of us." Road Kill's final words echoed from the past.  
  
"You have your life to live Steve. Live it. Don't feel guilty; don't stay in the past. Remember us without the guilt."  
  
"You're right, Shadow, " I whispered. "I love you guys and as long as I live you will not be forgotten." I turned from the wall and with a lighter heart walked over to where my wife waited.  
  
"Are you OK?" Cherry asked.  
  
Giving her hand a squeeze I said, "I feel better than I have in years."  
  
As we walked away I knew that the Hell of Vietnam would always be a part of me but it would no longer control me. Once again the men of NMCB 10 kept me from cracking up from the horrors of Khe Sanh. 


End file.
